Friday, September 28, 2012

Nightmare: Failure

September 26th
That night, I had a bad dream in which I didn't win any awards at all during graduation. I'm not sure if there was any other "major failure" in the dream, such as not getting into the university program of choice, but I remember I was absolutely devastated during that dream; I think I literally cried. This goes on to show how much it means to me for me to win an award.

But why is it so important to me? Of course, there is a practical side: this year I have actually set goals to obtain awards just so that I can have more things to put onto my resume. However, I think it's mainly about pride and a confirmation of my ability, just like how I care so much about my marks.

I was a bit surprised by how emotional I got after the dream. Again, I think I cried, and after I woke up I was basically non-functional for five to ten minutes. It's funny and sad at the same time that I am so concerned about such a superficial thing, when deep down inside I should know perfectly well whether I am capable or not.

Also, I can totally understand why I had this dream during that particular night. Just the day before, I have gotten a notice saying that I would be receiving an award for the upcoming award assembly next Wednesday. So the matter about winning awards have naturally got into my mind...